A.C.O.G. - Adult Child of God

Sunday is Father’s Day. I have never given a great deal of energy or attention to Father’s Day. I always gave or mailed my father the obligatory card in recognition, but I did my best to find a generic one with very little sentiment. My father, who died in 2003, was for all intents and purposes, for most of my life an absentee father. He traveled a great deal when I was growing up. When he was home he was not available. From the time I knew the meaning of the word, I referred to my father as an “alcoholic.” Until I was 35, there were very few times I saw my father sober. In 1995, he stopped drinking on doctor’s orders after a stay in the hospital due to a heart condition. As a result, during the last years of his life we were able to enjoy some connection. For that, I am grateful.

For years, I blamed my father for many of the things I judged wrong with my life and for my various dysfunctional behaviors. According to my therapist, I exhibited classic characteristics and behaviors of “adult children of alcoholics” (A.C.O.A.) which were outlined in the book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Dr. Janet Woititz published in 1983. I wore the label defiantly and often used it to justify my actions.

I feel sad knowing that I did not find a true place of empathy and forgiveness for my father until after his death. Today, I recognize that I held static images of my father as an “alcoholic” and of me as an “adult child of an alcoholic.” As a result, I continued to live the experiences of both. Today, I am making different choices.

Unity and other New Thought teaching taught me the power of consciousness and the power of the word, both spoken and in thought. Charles Fillmore, the cofounder of Unity, said “All metaphysicians recognize that certain words, used persistently, mold and transform conditions in mind, body, and affairs.”¹ Nonviolent Communication® (a.k.a. Compassionate Communication²), the work of Marshall Rosenberg Ph.D., taught me the power of connecting with others and myself beyond the labels.

I have learned that I am who I say am. I am that which I profess because speaking my word aligns me with the vibration of that which I claim. When I say I am an “adult child of an alcoholic” I align my mind with all the energy associated with that label. And, when I align my mind, and thus fill my consciousness with that vibration, my thoughts, words and behaviors align equivalently. I become who I say I am. As I continue to claim it, I continue to live it.

Additionally, I have learned that, even though my father drank a great deal, it is not only unkind and unfair, but also violent and untrue to continue to define him, or anyone, according to behaviors. My father was, as each of us is, a unique and wondrous child of God in dynamic expression. We, in any moment, can align with that knowing and our lives can immediately begin to manifest differently.

I know little about his childhood because he chose not to share it. I have suspicions that it was not joyful. I believe my father numbed the pain of his human experience by consuming a mood altering substance. I, too, have consumed mood altering substances and engaged in numbing behaviors to escape emotional pain. I now have great empathy and compassion for him in his suffering. I realize I am not so different from my father. Further, he and I are not so different from all human beings. We all share the needs for love and belonging, and we all feel pain when those needs are not met. And, we often attempt to meet those needs or to numb the pain, by making choices that ultimately do not achieve either. I have, however, learned to make different choices.

While I am still not completely free from the personality traits and behaviors associated with a classic A.C.O.A., I no longer identify as that. I prefer A.C.O.G. (Adult Child of God). I claim that as my truth, and as Mr. Fillmore said, my word “molds and transforms the conditions” of my life in alignment to it. Through prayer and meditation, I align my mind with all the Life Energy that I imagine God to be. As my consciousness is filled with thoughts and images of God, my words and actions align as well. In this way, I become who I say I am.

As Paul said, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2). I am transformed as I claim who I truly am. My image of my father is transformed as well.

I encourage us all to release the labels we use to identify ourselves and claim our true identities as A.C.O.G. (Adult Children of God). And, through the power of the persistent use of our word, allow our minds to be renewed and our lives transformed.

Join us on Sunday at 10:00 as we honor our earthly fathers and the one “Father” of us all.

¹ Jesus Christ Heals

² I invite you to join J and me on Tuesdays beginning, June 30, from 7:00 to 9:00 p.m. at Unity Church of Denver to learn more about Compassionate Communication. We will offer a 4-week Introductory class, followed by a 5-week Deepening Skills class.