I
am often amazed, upon revisiting a beloved book, when I recognize how much the
author has evolved in his or her understanding of the subject matter during the
time the book was on my shelf. It often seems as though he or she has edited
the book since my last reading. Of course, I realize that neither is true. I know that I am the one who has changed. I am reading and understanding from
a different perspective. I am often delighted when I reread a book and discover
new meaning and insight that I might have missed the first time.
Several
days ago, during a time of meditation and contemplation, I became consciously
aware of an issue I was working through. This awareness brought to mind a book I
read in the spring of 2013 that greatly impacted my life. It is the book by the
now popular Dr. Brené Brown, a writer and research professor at University of
Houston Graduate College of Social Work, entitled The Gifts of Imperfection, and the tag line is, “Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to
be and Embrace Who You Are.”
Dr.
Brown has done extensive research on shame and its negative impact on the ways
we relate in the world. She defines ‘shame’ as “the intensely painful feeling
or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love
and belonging.” Because we live life with the belief that we are unworthy, we
do our best to protect ourselves in order to prevent others from discovering
just how flawed and unlovable we are. We do this by hiding and/or attempting to
prove our worthiness. Unfortunately, hiding who we are, and striving to be who
we are not, keeps us from being vulnerable. Dr. Brown says that vulnerability is the only
way for us to get what we truly desire in life – love and belonging.
As
I re-read this, I could hardly resist the urge to toss the book across the
room. It was not new information; after all I had read the book before, but it
was not what I wanted to hear in that moment. I said silently, “Being
vulnerable is hard work. Do I really have to be vulnerable in order to live
life authentically and wholeheartedly?” Of course, I knew the answer. Yes!
While
interviewing thousands for her research on shame, Dr. Brown encountered some people
who were what she has termed “shame resilient” meaning that although they have
shame, as all of us do, they are nonetheless able to live wholeheartedly and
authentically. As she was compiling her research she discovered that the shame
resilient people are not innately different from the rest of us. They do,
however, make conscious choices to practice behaviors that encourage them to
know that they are not flawed and unlovable. They allow themselves to be
vulnerable and they have tools in place to help them when they experience the
joy of victory or the pain of failure.
Dang
it! Learning to live authentically and
wholeheartedly is not just a matter of being spiritual enough, or reading the
right books, or meditating every day, or praying without ceasing. It is not
even about going to the right workshop or becoming a Unity minster: It is a
SPIRITUAL PRACTICE.
I
have to admit I was hoping for the easy answer. I was hoping that at some point
I would fully realize my spiritual mastery and simply begin to live my truth,
assuming that I would “automagically” know what to do and how to live fully in
the world, without being of the world. I guess I should have known it would
require me to, as the fifth Unity principle says, “Live the truth I know.” And,
living the truth I know requires me to make conscious choices about how I
relate to others and to myself, and to act on those choices from true knowing.
While
it may not be the easy answer I was hoping for, Dr. Brown’s book has, once
again, opened my eyes in a way that has the potential to be life-changing. And,
while I may not have remembered what I had been asking for at the time, I have
certainly been provided an answer to some deeply felt questions. I am reminded
of the adage, “Be careful what you ask for; you might just get it.” I prefer,
“Be conscious what you ask for; you most certainly will get it.”
I
encourage anyone who has ever thought that they would like to live a more
authentic and wholehearted life to read this book and adopt the spiritual
practices outlined. I will be including these concepts as the basis for my
talks over the next few weeks. I hope you will join us as we discover our
innate worthiness, claim it, and live the truth we know.
When the song "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" came out by Dionne Warwick, I had never been in romantic love. The song had no meaning for me. Then, about 5 years later, I fell in love for the first time. That's when I was sure the lyrics were true; "Don't tell me what it's all about. Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out if it. Out of those chains, those chains that bind you. That is why, I'm here to remind you...."
ReplyDeleteThe thought struck me that that is the easy way out. It's easy to have your heart torn out of your chest, stomped on, beaten and put back with barely of beat left in it, then say, as the song does, I'll never fall in love again! I will be cold and hard hearted with romance because that pain is just not worth it. That's the easy way out!
What's really hard is to have that exact same thing happen, heart torn out and broken, then turn around to say, I will let that happen again. I will give another person my heart, whole heartedly so to speak, who hopefully will respond in kind. Now that's hard! And, as I have understood you to say, that is the way we can live authentically! Thank you Rev!