I am continually amazed by the synchronicity of the Universe. When contemplating a topic for my message this Sunday, I heard (with my inner ears) “forgiveness.” My mind immediately said, “What! I don’t want to talk about forgiveness; I don’t really know enough about it to talk intelligently about it. Let’s choose something else.” I told myself that forgiveness is one of those topics that has the potential for a great deal of misunderstanding and the possibility of stimulating pain in some. Further, that I would rather talk about a topic with which I feel more comfortable. Yes, I still argue with the voice of Spirit occasionally, but only when I get a message I don’t want to hear (smile). One might think that I would have learned better by now, but no. Also, one might think that by now I would have learned to immediately trust that when I am open to, and hear the voice for Spirit, I get it. I know what I need to know when I need to know it. It is not surprising that when I finally arrived at that realization, which thankfully didn’t take too long, I surrendered and chose to listen. So, the topic for this Sunday’s message is, you guessed it “forgiveness.”
The synchronicity I refer to involves a post on Facebook. I was searching for a previous post on some unrelated topic on the “Unify” page, when I happened upon a link that referenced the “18th International Forgiveness Day.” When I clicked on the link, I was delighted and amazed to discover that International Forgiveness Day is, lo and behold, you guessed it, Sunday, August 3. Not only that, but one of the keynote presenters for the event is Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a process that helps one connect deeply with feelings and needs, and opens the space for connection with others. I have been studying and practicing NVC for ten years. When I saw on this website the connection between forgiveness and NVC, I recognized that perhaps I do understand forgiveness better than I thought. When I consider the practice of NVC and its implication on forgiveness, I realize that from my perspective, forgiveness is more than a spiritual practice that we engage in for the purpose of freeing ourselves from the pain of holding on to the past. At the heart of true forgiveness is a state of mind that we can attain through the practice of empathy and compassion, for others as well as for ourselves.
Empathy is our capacity to connect deeply with feelings and needs. NVC refers to the universal things we each value and desire as “needs.” I prefer to think of “needs” as aspects of our Divine Nature that each of us longs to experience and have reflected to us from others and the world around us. NVC teaches that everything we do or say is an attempt to meet a need. I reframe that to say that everything we do or say is an attempt to express or experience an aspect of our Divine Nature, such as love, connection, or well-being. Further, in keeping with NVC philosophy but stated in my own terms, when our actions or the actions of others do not help us realize an aspect of our divinity, we experience feelings that we might term as “negative”. These are usually feelings that we would rather not feel, such as anger, sadness, shame or guilt. Conversely, when we do experience our divinity, through actions of another or by our own actions, we have feelings that we often call “positive”. These are feelings that we usually enjoy, such as peace, joy, expansion and love. When we operate with the understanding that we all strive to know ourselves as the Divine through our actions and interactions, we can more clearly see that we all have the same desires. Unfortunately, there are times when we may attempt to get those needs met in learned ways that are contrary to our highest intention, and this may stimulate pain in others and ourselves. Empathy is our path to the authentic connection that is required for true forgiveness to occur.
Compassion is our capacity to face our pain, and to meet another in his or her pain. The best definition I have heard for compassion is from Cindy Wigglesworth, author of SQ21, The Twenty-one Skills of Spiritual Intelligence. In her book, she defines compassion as “the capacity and willingness to join another in his or her pain with the intention of helping to relieve suffering, while not contributing to or joining in the suffering, thus maintaining inner and outer peace regardless of the circumstances.” I would add that compassion also includes our capacity and willingness to connect with our own pain, while not contributing to or exacerbating the pain of either one. In order to achieve true forgiveness, we must be willing to engage in the practice of compassion for the one we are holding as guilty for stimulating our pain. That may be ourselves or another. It is often, if not always, challenging to face our own pain. Most of would rather do whatever is necessary to medicate and avoid it, and others may engage in psychological denial, refusing to admit they have pain. As the Buddhist proverb says, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” The experience of pain, emotional, physical and spiritual, is part of the human condition. We all have pain. Suffering, however, is the result of the story we tell about our pain. We suffer when we continue to relive, in our minds, the events that originally stimulated the pain, and continue to tell our story about what should or should not have happened. Compassion invites us to connect with our pain, meet it face-to-face, and understand that our actions or the actions of another are not the cause of our pain. Our pain is caused, at the deepest level, by our seemingly unmet needs, or from my perspective, the unexpressed, unexperienced and unrealized aspects of our Divine Nature. We can compassionately connect with the pain, without engaging in suffering, thereby allowing it to connect us with those beautiful aspects of Divine Nature that we long for.
Empathy and compassion are not intellectual exercises; they are heart-centered practices. They require that we engage with ourselves and others from a deep connection with our feelings and with our most precious heartfelt desire, our need to experience our Divine Nature. When practiced authentically, empathy and compassion open our hearts and allow us to experience the outpouring of Love that is the foundation of the Divine expressing as us. They open us to the awareness of not only our shared humanity, but our shared Divinity, as well. With open hearts, we are able and willing to connect with each other beyond our stories of right and wrong, good and bad, victim and perpetrator. As we connect by intentionally practicing empathy and compassion, we learn that we can transcend our original story and begin to tell the story of healing, connection, and understanding. We are able to see each other as spiritual beings who are living a human experience and doing our best to remember our Divinity, albeit sometimes through methods that are in diametric opposition to that intention. Connecting in that understanding with empathy and compassion for ourselves and others is at the heart of the consciousness of true forgiveness.
I am grateful that I decided to listen to the voice for Spirit prompting me to discover a deeper meaning of forgiveness and thankful for the gifts of synchronicity in the process. I hope to see you on Sunday morning at 10:00 as we explore forgiveness further.
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