Heart-to-Heart, Not Head-to-Head

Over the past several weeks, I have had multiple opportunities to experience first-hand interpersonal conflicts, as well as participate in helping to reconcile conflicts between others. It has, at times, been emotionally and physically draining.

I have to admit that I have never handled conflict well. In fact, I have spent most of life trying to avoid conflict. I am certain that it stems from early childhood experiences of witnessing conflict between the adults in my life and feeling the energetic effects of it. As I shared in an earlier post, I have spent a great deal of time and energy attempting to create safety, security and predictability for myself. Unfortunately, often at the expense of authentic connection with myself and others.

While this recent period has not been easy or comfortable at times, it has promoted me to reconnect with spiritual truth, recall information I have learned, and consciously engage in spiritual practices that have been helpful.

When fear is stimulated for me by something that someone says or does, my conditioned response is to withdraw inside, shut down emotionally and verbally, walk away, or all three. Others may react by fighting back either verbally, physically, or both. Still others may be so stunned by the conflict that they have no idea how to react. These are the most common human reactions to fear – flight, fight, or freeze.

Neuroscience confirms that when we perceive something or someone as a threat, our amygdala, the part of the limbic system in the brain, is stimulated. The amygdala is thought to store images and memories of past pain and fear, and for many, trauma. When we experience conflict which appears as a threat, our reaction is automatically informed by the amygdala. We react as if our survival depends upon it.

Thanks to the evolutionary process, our brains are also equipped with a neocortex which enables us to process, reason and rationalize information. When conflict arises, we can use this knowledge to know what is happening in the amygdala and consciously engage the neocortex. Instead of reacting to the fear, we can stop, breathe and ask ourselves questions, such as, “What am I thinking?” “What am I feeling?” “What memory is being triggered?” We can employ what we know about the functioning of the human brain to soothe ourselves and move from conditioned reactions to conscious responses.

Another tool that I find helpful is the Quick Coherence Technique from HeartMath Institute. It is a simple process of focusing attention and awareness in the heart, breathing in the heart and generating a feeling of appreciation. You may access the audio guide on their website here. There are also many YouTube videos available that will guide you through the process.

It is also helpful for me to remember that conflicts, whether interpersonal or internal, arise at the level of thinking. The mind’s job is to keep us safe and help us navigate the world we live in. It is continually evaluating and assessing the data it takes in through the senses. It is expert at dualistic thinking – good/bad, right/wrong, etc. It is important to our survival. It serves us well, except when it comes to connecting with ourselves or others beyond our past conditioning. Unity cofounder Charles Fillmore said,

We all have the thinking faculty located in the head, from which we send forth thoughts, good, bad, and indifferent. If we are educated and molded after the ordinary pattern of the human family, we may live an average lifetime and never have an original thought. The thinking faculty in the head is supplied with the secondhand beliefs of our ancestors, the dominant beliefs of the race, or the threadbare stock of the ordinary social whirl. – Keep a True Lent

And, William Shakespeare said,

There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

To that I would add, no one is good or bad, right or wrong except according to the mind’s evaluation, criticism or condemnation. Our opportunity is to move beyond the mind and into the heart.

As I said, when conflicts arise my first reaction is to retreat. I have accepted that. I am no longer trying to change it. I have, however, worked to change my response following my initial reaction.

Knowing that my amygdala has been stimulated, as soon as possible I take time to sit alone in a quiet space. I breathe deeply and connect with my body. I silently ask myself, “What am I feeling?” “Where do I feel it in my body?” I allow myself to completely feel my feelings without judgement or evaluation. Once I feel complete, I then breathe light and love into that area of my body. This helps to soothe me.

I then focus my attention and awareness in my heart and connect with the truth of my being as a perfect beloved child of God. I remain focused there until my mind and my body are filled with Light.

I am then more available to resolve any internal conflict as my mind and heart are open to hear the voice of Spirit and receive guidance. If the conflict is interpersonal, I am also more open to relate to the other heart-to-heart, rather than head-to-head. From a heart-centered space, I am more ready, willing and able to see the other as an innocent, beloved child of God. I can extend to them the knowing that, like me, they are walking this human journey doing the best they can in every moment. We all have memories of past hurt and pain. Some of us have experienced trauma. Our amygdalae get stimulated, and we all react from our conditioning.

My opportunity, to the best of my ability in any moment, is to be aware when I am triggered. I then do what I need to do to center myself in my heart, know my Truth, and soothe myself, so that I can be a calming presence for others and respond from love.

These tools are especially important to remember this time of year. Thanksgiving is next week and Christmas is just a month away. It’s time for gathering with family to share meals and celebrate the season. For some of us those family gatherings can be at best challenging and at worst horrifying. It is one of the few times we willingly enter situations with people we care about deeply, but with whom we often share very little in common when it comes to our spiritual or political beliefs. Our families are often the best at “pushing our buttons” and triggering our amygdala. I have heard it said that our families know where our buttons are because they installed them. This may well be true.

As our lives get even busier than they already are, as we gather with friends and family, as we experience all that the holiday season offers, I encourage us to take time to breathe, center, connect, listen and remain open for the heart-to-heart connections we all desire. When conflict arises, remember and practice the truth that you know.