What is your 'Why?'

I remember that as I child one of the most commonly asked questions from adults was, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I don’t recall my specific answers, but I can imagine that as a young boy they were along the lines of, “I want to be a fireman, or a policeman, or a doctor.” Since both my favorite grandfather and father were railroad men, I’m sure at some point I said, “I want to be an engineer.” Later, as a teenager, I wanted to be a dentist.

As I reflect on all of these possibilities, it occurs to me that there was a deeper question that was seldom, if ever, asked – “Why?” “Why do you want to be a fireman, policeman, doctor, engineer or dentist?” Today I recognize that pondering the “why” has the potential to take us deeper into ourselves and provide us with a clearer direction and more inspired place from which to move forward and make choices.

When I was a child, I saw firemen and policemen as helpers. As Fred Rogers, shared with the children who watched Mister Rogers Neighborhood,

“When I was a little boy and I saw scary things on the news, my mother would always say ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping’”

Fireman and policemen were the ones who helped others. They were the ones who, to a young mind, were the heroes. I wanted to be them.

Any thought I had as a boy of being a railroad engineer was based on my admiration of my maternal grandfather. He was a hero. At least in my mind he was. He was warm, loving and attentive. I have fond memories of climbing up in the railroad engine and sitting in his lap as he sat at the controls. It was a special time for me. I wanted to be like him.

I also have vivid memories of my childhood physician, Dr. Duggan. Even though I was more than a little nervous about going to the doctor and feared having to get a shot, he always made it easier. He understood. He was kind and compassionate. Looking back and seeing him as my example, I can understand why I would have wanted to be a doctor. Of course, it didn’t hurt that doctors made a great deal of money and lived in the finest houses in town. That did not escape my notice, even as a young boy.

As a teenager, my desire to be a dentist had nothing to do with wanting to be a helper. It was solely based on the image. My high school girlfriend’s father was a dentist. They lived in a nice big house in the newest neighborhood in the area. That’s what I wanted. I wanted to be a dentist so that I could make a lot of money and have all that came along with it.

I did not become a fireman, policeman, doctor, engineer or dentist. Life lead me into the insurance business. I was a commercial insurance underwriter and broker for nearly 30 years. I was successful according to the prescribed measure of success, meaning that I built a large book of business and made a great deal of money for myself and for the company. However, I was never happy. For years, I tried to convince myself that I was helping people by insuring their financial stability in case of an unforeseen accident or loss. While that was partially true, it was ultimately not my “why.” I was in the business for the money and the image that came along with it.

I knew that my soul’s calling was to be in ministry, but if I am completely honest, which I always strive to be, I was not connected with the deeper “why” until quite recently. I shared in last week’s post My Soul Desire that I have recently become more consciously aware of what drew me to Unity and what keeps me coming back to Unity. It is my desire to know God. That is the “why” for my decision to make Unity’s positive, practical, progressive approach to Christianity my spiritual path. And, while it informed the “why” of my call to ministry, there is more.

When my “call to ministry” was confirmed to me in meditation early in my journey with Unity, I discussed it with my primary spiritual teacher at the time. I remember distinctly the advice she gave me. She said, “If you are doing it for yourself, don’t do it.” Of course, being the selfless person that I am (Ha!), I thought, “I’m not doing it for me. I’m doing it to serve God and to serve others.” Still, her words have continued to resonate in my mind for all these years.

Only recently have I realized what she meant. I have come to see that my initial “why” for entering ministry was more about doing it for me than about serving God and others. I saw ministry as a way for me to have more time for reading, writing, meditation, prayer, self-reflection, self-expression, and self-realization.

I’m not sharing this as a “confession” or as a way to judge myself or beat up on myself. I certainly do not believe that all of my actions since being in ministry have been completely selfish. I know that I have served others in ways that have been meaningful for them. I also know that I have served others in ways that I will never know. And, in doing so have I have served God. I am sharing it because it speaks to what I believe is the importance of honestly connecting with our “why.” 

In my post of June 27, Serving God, I shared about the revelation I recently received in meditation. I heard very clearly, “You are here to serve God.” That is my “why.” That is why I am in ministry. It may seem obvious that one who is a minister is to serve God, but as I shared in that post, that is not always true. People enter the ministry for many varied reasons. I am celebrating that my “why” is now clearer to me.

I am here on this planet at this time to serve God. I am here to serve God as God expresses through all people, and all creation, including myself. I just happen to be serving God in the role of a minister. It is my intention to keep my “why” at the forefront of my mind as my guiding principle. My hope is that being clearer about the “why” will help to better inform and direct my actions.

I believe that knowing our “why” is important for all of us, both individually and collectively. I encourage us all to ask ourselves, “Why am I doing what I am doing?” When we know the answer to that question, we can make better informed choices about our thoughts, words and actions. What is your “why?”