Walking the Talk

In my post last week I talked about being “triggered” by a comment I recently heard during a group conversation. If you did not read that post, and would like to, please follow this link. In my lesson this past Sunday, I talked about why I was triggered and shared some of my thoughts about our responsibility to respond to human suffering in the world. Also, in observance of Earth Day, I talked about our responsibility to care for Earth and our environment. If you would like to hear that talk, please follow this link, but I request that you finish reading this article first.

After hearing comments from some who were in attendance last Sunday and receiving feedback from others who heard comments, I understand that my talk was a “trigger” for some, stimulating powerful feelings of anger, guilt and pain, among others.  Others were inspired by what I said.  For that, I am grateful.

I am reluctant to admit this, but when I heard comments from and about those who were “triggered” by my message on being “triggered”, I was “triggered” again. I recognized it was a cycle in which I felt angry and defensive. I told myself that my message must not have been heard or that it was misunderstood.  Further, in my mind, I defended my position by telling myself that if they were “triggered” it was because they have work to do around these issues. It pains me to say this, but, yes, I came to realize that I was self-righteous in my conviction that my words and my impactful delivery were justified.

Over the past few days, I have taken time to connect with myself and reflect upon Sunday. While I do not regret what I said or my intention for the lesson, I do mourn the energy from which I expressed. It is painfully clear to me in hindsight that my energy spoke much louder than my words. I use the word ‘painfully’ quite intentionally, because I am pained knowing that I stimulated pain in others. I will do my best to clarify what I mean.

I began my lesson retelling the story of the conversation that triggered me. In doing that, the emotion I originally experienced was stimulated once again. The dismay and anger I felt the first time arose again by just relaying the story. As a result, my entire talk was expressed from that energy. That realization troubles me, and that is what I mourn and regret. Although I know it’s not possible, I would like a “do-over.”

We seldom, if ever, get “do-overs” in life. While I cannot go back and give my Sunday lesson again, as with all life experiences, I can learn and grow as I reflect upon it. Sunday, as well as the subsequent feedback and personal reflection, have reminded me of the importance of self-connection, self-empathy and understanding. This spiritual practice is essential to connecting deeply with others. Only when I connect with my own humanity am I willing and able to connect with the humanity in others. If I could do it over, I would choose to engage in some quality time of self-connection prior to or even during the service on Sunday.

When I take time to connect with myself in response to the suffering in the world and with what I perceive as a lack of care for the Earth, I realize that the emotions beneath the anger are pain and sadness. When I look at the condition of the world and the extent of suffering and need, I also often feel helpless and hopeless. While I know that I want to make a meaningful contribution to the world, the truth is, I don’t know what to do. I trust that we all share the desire to make a difference, and that many can relate to the pain, sadness, and confusion I feel.

Had I been self-connected on Sunday, I would most likely have sat on the edge of the stage and grieved with those present, rather than standing on it to preach. My greatest desire and intention as a spiritual leader is to connect heart-to-heart with those I serve. My highest intention is to always stand in love and do my best to never come from the energy of judgment, fear or lack, which often demonstrates as anger. I now recognize that I did not achieve my highest intention this past Sunday. I mourn any pain I may have stimulated.

My intention for my lesson was to affirm that through prayer we can connect with God and transform our consciousness. From that consciousness of unity in God and with all creation, we respond to all people, as well as the Earth and our environment from love. Love is the highest expression of God as us. I recognize that on Sunday I was not holding the space for this highest expression of love within myself.

I am mindful that Integrity is one of our core values at Unity Church of Denver. When I think of integrity, the phrases, “walk the talk” and “practice what you preach” come to mind. They remind me of the fifth of Unity’s five basic principles which says, “Knowledge of spiritual principles is not enough. We must also live them.” We must be willing to live in alignment with what we say we believe, and live our principles to the best of our ability and capacity in any moment.

On Sunday, my capacity to live in integrity - in the moment - was not where I would have liked, nor did it reflect the attributes for your spiritual leader that I wish to be. I talked about love from the energy of anger and fear, and I mourn that I stimulated pain. I hope that we can connect through our shared humanity of this experience.

It has been a week of growth and revelation for me, and I celebrate this opportunity for us to learn and grow together as a community. I continue to hold you in the light of love, and I trust you will do the same for me. I do not take my responsibilities lightly and my connection with those I serve is important to me. You are important to me.

Please join me on Sunday as we explore together what it means to live in integrity with ourselves and in community with each other.