And, Can You Do That?

J and I recently returned from a visit to my hometown, Washington, GA, where I officiated my nephew’s wedding. I was honored by his invitation and did not hesitate to say ‘yes’ when he asked me to officiate. While I was pleased to be included, in the days leading up to our departure I had some anxiety about being around my family and others whose lifestyles and beliefs differ greatly from mine.

Prior to leaving Denver, I talked with my spiritual counselor about it. During our conversation, I realized that I often feel defensive around my family. I have believed that I have to justify to them my spiritual beliefs and how I reconcile being gay with being a minister.

I promise: I am not just being paranoid. I have had conversations with my family in which they have attempted to convince me of the “error of my ways.” In addition, I have been in situations where “Christian” men who have married into my extended family would barely acknowledge my presence in the room. I have also been in family situations where I felt physically unsafe because of someone’s judgment of me.

I did not want to subject myself or J to that.

As my spiritual counselor invited me to go deeper and connect with what I wanted to experience with my family, I connected with the desire for acceptance, respect, and love. I expressed that to him and his next question floored me.

He asked, “And, can you do that?”

“What do you mean?” I replied. “Can I do that for myself or can I do that for them?”

To which he replied, “Yes.”

As I pondered his question, I realized that I have not always accepted, respected and loved myself. Further, I do not always do it now. While I have the tendency to judge myself when I do not accept, respect or love myself, I have the choice to accept, respect and love myself even when I don’t.

I was reminded of the importance of being present with my humanity. I once heard someone say that family is so good at pushing our buttons because they helped install them. I still get triggered by things that people do or say, especially family. Even though I would love to be superhuman and sometimes think I “should” be, the reality is I am not. When I am triggered, I have the choice of how to respond. I can give myself empathy and compassion and extend the same to others. Is that always what I choose? No. But it is my aspiration.

I was also embarrassed to admit that I don’t always accept, respect and love my family. At times, I judge them for their beliefs and lifestyles. I don’t always accept them for choices that I believe are unhealthy. I don’t always love their behaviors.

So, as I prepared to set out on the trip last week, I set a clear intention to accept, respect and love them no matter what. I believe in the power of setting intentions. It helps to focus our minds and attitudes in the direction we choose to go.

You might be wondering how successful I was at fulfilling my intention. Well, to be honest, there were times I found it challenging. I did my best to stay aware of my thoughts and feelings and to make a conscious shift when I noticed that I was leaning toward judgment. Did I succeed every time? No. Once again, that gave me the opportunity to accept, respect and love myself in my humanness.

In all, it was a good trip. I learned some things, was reminded of some things, revisited some things, celebrated some things, mourned some things, and I made choices that served my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Well, mostly anyway.

The bottom line is:

We are always at choice. We do not have to place ourselves in situations where, or associate with people with whom, we do not feel emotionally, physically, mentally, or spiritually safe. However, there may be times when we make a conscious choice to acknowledge the fear, strengthen ourselves with self-love and support from others and do it anyway. We may find that we are stronger and more capable than we had previously given ourselves credit.

We want acceptance, respect, and love. They are basic human needs. While we may seek it and find it from others, we must be willing and able to give them to ourselves first. Not that we have to or that we can or will do it perfectly, but that we commit to give ourselves those things to the best of our ability in every moment.

Yes, everyone wants acceptance, respect, and love. When we can stay mindful of that and approach all of our encounters with a clear intention to share those things with others, we will experience a shift in ourselves and in our relationships. Again, we will not do it perfectly, but as Nonviolent Communication founder Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. said, “Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”

We are all living in these human bodies with needs, desires, and feelings. It is vitally important for our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being that we honor ourselves wherever we are and whatever we are experiencing in the moment. Only then can we truly celebrate our humanity. Only then can we truly accept, respect, and love ourselves and others in the moment.

“And, can you do that?”