I Am Forgiven

This past Sunday, in my lesson at Unity Spiritual Center Denver, I shared some thoughts about the importance of practicing self-forgiveness. You may listen to the lesson here.

I shared that since exploring the concept of forgiveness in greater depth over the past few weeks, I have recognized that I have some self-forgiveness work to do around my relationship with my father, specifically the ways I thought about him, talked about him, and treated him.

I did not enjoy a close relationship with my father – EVER. He was pretty much what you would call an absentee father. He traveled for work and was often away from home for days at a time. When he was home, he was usually drunk.

My mother was a grounding, guiding presence in my life. When my mother made her transition from this Earthly plain, I was left with an alcoholic father as the only parental figure in my life. I was fifteen at the time.

Much later in life with the aid of a therapist and through spiritual growth I was able to touch the depth of my pain, sadness and anger, not only about the loss of my mother, but also the loss of my father. Years later I was willing and able to get in touch with and admit to myself the hurtful things I did in reaction to my unacknowledged and unexpressed pain. Even now, when I think of them, I feel guilt and remorse.

I shared about this on Sunday to provide an example of the self-forgiveness process I suggested. (I outline that process below.)

It is my practice to greet people as they leave the sanctuary following Sunday service. This past Sunday was no exception. As she was leaving, a long-time member, a beautiful caring soul, handed me a piece of paper on which she had written some thoughts that came to her during my lesson. She lovingly wanted to share them with me. I deeply appreciate her care and concern.

I am paraphrasing, but the gist of what she shared was: You know more now than you did at fifteen. You were doing the best you knew how to do at the time. The last line was “You are Forgiven!”

These are truthful words. I take great comfort in knowing that what she shared is true. I, too, would say those words to each of us and to myself. AND…

As I said on Sunday, in my lesson entitled Temporary Insanity, when we do or say something out of fear, anger, resentment or judgment, we are “out of our right minds.” We can only be in those mental states when we are not mindful of our True Nature and not in alignment with the Mind of God. The Mind of God, our “right mind,” only knows love and unity.

While it is reassuring, we are not relieved of the responsibility for the effects that our words or actions had on another or ourselves simply by knowing that we were “temporarily insane;” doing the best we knew how to do at the time; and we have grown and learned since that moment in time when doing what we did or saying what we said.

If we are to experience the freedom that comes from forgiveness, it is imperative that we do whatever we need to do to clean up the energy of unforgiveness – resentment, blame, guilt, shame, judgment, etc. We do that by doing the work of moving through the steps of understanding and forgiveness with empathy and compassion, first for ourselves and then for the other.

I will use my relationship with my father to illustrate the steps. As I said in my post last week, Forgiveness Is, this process is not uniquely mine. I have synthesized material from others.

FIRST: What did you do or say? In 12 Steps, this is called making a searching and fearless inventory. Make a list of all the things you did or said that could have stimulated pain for another person.

In making my list I cite specifics, but for this purpose I am sharing only general statements.

I lied to my father.

I stole from my father.

I manipulated my father.

SECOND: What were you feeling and thinking at the time?

I was feeling angry, sad, lonely, and scared. I was telling myself that my father did not care about me, so why should I care about him. I was telling myself that he deserved whatever I gave him because he was an alcoholic.

THIRD: What were you needing that you were not getting?

I needed love and attention. I needed someone to care about and take care of me. I needed security and safety.

FOURTH: What do you feel guilty about? What personal values were you not living in integrity with?

Author, professor and shame researcher, Brené Brown said,

“Guilt is good. It helps us stay on track. It occurs when we compare something we did, or didn’t do, to our personal values. The discomfort often results in real change, amends, and self-reflection.”

I was not in integrity with honesty, integrity, compassion and generosity, among others.

FIFTH: Share all of the above with someone you trust.

Archbishop Demond Tutu, in The Book of Forgiveness, says,

“Unexpressed shame can lead to isolation, depression, substance abuse or suicide. Unexpressed or unidentified shame can make it impossible for us to feel we are worthy of self-forgiveness.”

Tell it to someone you trust. If you are in a 12-Step program, this person will most likely be your sponsor. If you are not, choose a trusted friend who will not try to fix it for you, but will listen with empathy and compassion. You may also want to engage a therapist, or speak with a minister or other spiritual counselor.

By giving yourself empathy and compassion and receiving it from another, you WILL work through and dissipate the energy of unforgiveness.

As with forgiveness for others, it can be, but it may not be easy. It can be, but it may not be quick. Trust that you will get there. Do the work!

Additionally, it is important to forgive yourself for the story you have told about yourself and the other person. In my case, I needed to forgive myself for telling the story of my father as unloving, uncaring, ignorant and stupid for succumbing to alcoholism. I had to forgive myself for not seeing him as the child of God that he is – worthy of love, understanding and compassion.

I also had to forgive myself for telling the story of me as a mean, manipulative, selfish, spoiled, and ungrateful son. It is essential that we realize we are not defined by what we did. We take responsibility for our words and actions, but those things do not determine our worthiness. We must be willing to change the story and begin to see ourselves as who we truly are – wondrously unique expressions of Divine Light and Life – who experience “temporary insanity” from time to time.

Yes, I was doing the best I knew to do at the time. Yes, I now know better. Still, I needed to do the work of self-forgiveness so that I can be free of the energy of guilt and shame. Then, I can truly know that I Am Forgiven!

The bottom line is that we all have the power in every moment, to reclaim our sanity, change our thoughts, renew our perspective and transform our lives and our relationships. Forgiveness helps to make this possible.

Join us this coming Sunday, September 17, as I complete this short series on forgiveness with my lesson, Asking is Receiving. I will explore how we seek and receive forgiveness from others. You are welcome here!

Additionally, if you are blessed or inspired by these posts or my Sunday lessons, which are available on YouTube, I encourage you to make a donation  to support the ministry of Unity Spiritual Center Denver. Thank you!